PA Wilkins, Cornish estate agent, wins prize

[David Rarry]

Saw this online; nasty tone in parts, but still amusing!

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PRIZE AWARDED TO P.A.WILKINS & CO, ST. JUST

This is a circular to agents and businesses in the St Just and Penzance
areas. Please circulate if possible.

P A Wilkins and Company have won a prize for the quality of their
marketing material.

The judges noted that the following features have been present in every
property description that the company has ever issued:

1) always starting with adjectival phrases including either "Attractive"
or "Deceptively spacious"

2) using the word "attractive" an average of 3.7 times per property

3) referring to the sun, usually in the phrase "sunny aspect"

(it was admiringly noted that rather than say "east" or "west", the
company invariably chose to employ the impressive phrases "taking
advantage of the morning sun" and "taking advantage of the afternoon
sun")

4) omitting any reference to price on the front page

5) omitting any reference to the number of bedrooms on the front page

6) almost always choosing not to use apostrophes or hyphens, preferring
such forms as "oil fired", "wood panelled", and "doctors surgery"

(having installed information-collection software on the company's
computer system, the judges are informed that the reason that the
company's spelling is usually correct is because a spellchecker is used,
such use being the default setting on its word-processing software)

7) using the email address "***@btconnect.com", when it
would be extremely easy to use one such as "***@pawilkins.co.uk" if
only a proper software company were employed to provide computer
services, or someone at the company asked any 12-year-old on the street
"How can we get a nice email address?"

The judges are fully aware that semi-literacy is the norm among estate
agents, and not only in areas were freemasonic cockiness ("we make money
doing what we've always done") is the most rife.

But there was unanimous agreement that P A Wilkins and Company have
performed marvellously in scraping the very bottom of the barrel.

The prize is receipt of the coveted Semi-Literate Morons of the Year
Award 2011, to be awarded at the Provincial Grand Lodge of Cornwall by
the Provincial Grand Master.

Well done!

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[Prai Jei]

David Rarry set the following eddies spiralling through the space-time

Post by David Rarry
(it was admiringly noted that rather than say "east" or "west", the
company invariably chose to employ the impressive phrases "taking
advantage of the morning sun" and "taking advantage of the afternoon
sun")

Do they deal with any north-facing properties?

Post by David Rarry
6) almost always choosing not to use apostrophes or hyphens,

Yes I did notice both features in the first line of your follow-up comment.
But using a spell-checker won't pick up instances where they have used
totally the wrong worm.

[Harry Davis]

Post by Prai Jei
David Rarry set the following eddies spiralling through the space-time

Post by David Rarry
(it was admiringly noted that rather than say "east" or "west", the
company invariably chose to employ the impressive phrases "taking
advantage of the morning sun" and "taking advantage of the afternoon
sun")

Do they deal with any north-facing properties?

I once encountered an estate agent who described a north-facing property as
cleverly positioned to take advantage of the sun at all times of day.

You wonder with people like PA Wilkins, who again and again, in public,
make the same kind of fools of themselves - professional copywriters who
haven't a clue how to write copy. I suppose they take the view that if
people are going to buy houses, they'll buy houses, and if they've got 25%
of the market in an area, they'll get 25% of the action.

It's sufficient for them to know two main things that estate agents have to
do:

1) to come into the minds of potential sellers when they think about
putting their houses on the market,

and

2) to sell debt, or the enlargement of debt, using a few simple methods
based on stimulating fear, triggering greed, and using flattery and
bullshit.

Personally I wouldn't touch one of 'em with a toilet auger.

[Prai Jei]

Harry Davis set the following eddies spiralling through the space-time

Post by Harry Davis
I once encountered an estate agent who described a north-facing property
as cleverly positioned to take advantage of the sun at all times of day.

At the back you mean!

Our own front faces north-west - far enough west that we get the sun in late
afternoon (approx 3pm onwards) any time of year if the sky is clear.
However, the back is in sunlight until about that time. For a few days
around the beginning of July each year, the north-east facing side wall,
which is normally sunlit only first thing in the morning, is also sunlit
(very obliquely but it is definitely there) last thing in the evening.

I am familiar with these details, for as a kid I learned to tell the time
from how far the shadow of the roof had crept down the back wall and then
across the back lawn.